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STUFF STEPHANIE IN THE INCINERATOR
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We were on the hunt, in search of another timeless classic to review. We probably went through three or four thousand movies, rejecting one right after the other. And then, we found "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator." Good title, let's see what the back of the case has to say about it: "Awful accidents and dreadful dialogue abound..." Perfect. We should probably start by letting you know that this movie has NOTHING to do with stuffing Stephanie in any sort of incinerator, oven, smokehouse, furnace; she doesn't even use a hair dryer, despite the synopsis clearly stating, and we quote, "...as our players indulge in gory gamesplay, assuming ridiculous costumes and characters in their contest to reduce poor Stephanie to cinders. It's a dreck-fest of the first order that answers the age-old question of what to do with an old love: don't throw it away, burn it!" No where in this film does anyone come even close to ever burning Stephanie. In fact, the closest you ever get to an incinerator is when a gas station attendent our heros mistakenly brutalized with fireplace utinsels is dragged to the basement and laid kinda close to the furnace. Also, in seemingly total defiance of the movie giant that is The Zero Boys, the scene on the cover of this film is absolutely nowhere to be found ANYWHERE in the actual movie. Now that we've cleared that up for you, let's try to explain the plot. Supposedly the whole premise of the movie was based on three actors who play out scenes, but then we never really knew what was real or fake. Besides, every movie is based around actors in scenes, so let's just assume the whole thing was real. The move opens with an airplane mechanic being accosted by two stiff, bored men in trenchcoats, who seemed as though they were probably acting in this movie as a favor for a friend. Our mechanic awakens in a strange, badly decorated mansion, and wearing a tux. He finds Stephanie, who he doesn't know. Stephanie is scared because he doesn't know who the old lady is. The old lady comes out and insists that the mechanic sleep with Stephanie while she watches. The man is horrified and tries to escape, but there's no way around the old man who carries a shotgun. Our mechanic is tormented...he doesn't want to fall asleep because he doesn't like being watched, and in anger lashes out that he'll eventually have to pee, and won't you get your jollies then! Stephanie has been looming a rug of some sort. Every five days she completely undoes it and starts over. How does she escape monotony? By changing colors every forty days, of course! The mechanic has pity on Stephanie and insists they escape. But how, when the old lady and the gunslinger are watching their every move (from EXTREMELY well hidden cameras)? EASY! Stick scissors in the electrical outlet! You can't see in the dark; our heros have bought themselves just enough time to climb up the chimney. Lucky for them the inside of the actual chimney is roughly six times the size of the fireplace; they are able to climb out rather easily. Once outside of the cardboard house they look to escape into the woods. But on hearing all the ferocious terriers barking, the decide it would be better to hide in the basement of they house from which they just escaped. There's no better time to pretend to have sex, so we are led to assume they did, even though we find out later that they can't because the mechanic is a gay safari hunter. Anyway, they awaken the next morning to find the old lady hovering over them and the rifle pointed at their noses. The old lady is thrilled, and now wants the mechanic to "do to me what you did to her." At this point we're still waiting for the incinerator. Nuthin. Mr. Fixit refuses to do the deed. That is, until Stephanie is put in the rumbling, shaking iron maiden! The mechanic sadly agrees to the old ladies wishes so that Stephanie's life may be spared. They are about to kiss...and the old lady can't. Why? SHE'S A MAN, BABY! Everyone takes a rediculously long time to wipe off make-up, then into the car and off to the airport they go. One quick stop along the way so Stephanie can kiss some guy in a gas station restroom while our hero stutters, murmers and in general makes eerie monster noises in the car, and they continue their drive on what appears to be a fine summer afternoon. The arrive at the airport in the dead of winter. At least, it's winter when the camera is outside of the car. From in inside they appear to be parked in a dry, overgrown field. Back to the outside; it's blizzarding again at the airport! And on to the exercize portion of the movie, where everyone is in jumpsuits and some guy pretends to exercize while calling everyone else rediculous names (like "pitiful flesh-heap!"). We've never seen him before and never see him again, yet I can't help but feel he's integral to the plot of the film, whatever that may be. Stephanie tries talking to the mechanic, who we now discover is beyond wealthy and apparently lives well beneath his means. They talk for a while in the "gourmet cookshop" aka the kitchen table, and Stephanie expresses a hatred for games. She leaves, finds the old woman man looking for a necklace and convinces him to kill the guy in the kitchen. But not until tomorrow at eight! They will wait seven years to split the inheritance money, during which time she'll pay him $30,000 a year. Stephanie then tries to convince Beethoven that she does not want to wear the stupid dress. He can't hear her, since as everyone knows Beethoven was obviously deaf. He writes a "$" on a piece of paper and she leaves in a huff to go sleep with the old woman man. Next day: killing time! It's eight o'clock and the gas station attendant is lying poisoned in the mechanic's bed. They beat him to death, wrap him in old telephone ads and drag him downstairs. Finally, the incinerator! Gas man is dropped next to it. Old woman man picks up a board with which to club Stephanie on the head, probably for being unfaithful to her husband. But just before he swings, she discovers gas man and screams! Then they hear the TV. Gas man's poisoning is playing on tape upstairs at that very moment, so everyone heads up for a get together. Whaddya know! Dirty Stephanie's near head-bashing is also on tape! But not everyone is enjoying what's on TV tonight! Ahh, tonight. The sun was streaming through the windows downstairs. The mechanic turned gay safari hunter turns over a minuteglass. Stephanie and old woman man run for their lives. Sometimes they help each other, and sometimes they hate each other, but one thing is for certain. THEY'RE ALL GONNA DIE! They look out the windows upstairs; dogs are patrolling the night! They look out the windows downstairs; PEACEFUL GARDENS ARE PATROLLING THE LIGHT! There is no escape. Stephanie and old woman man hide in the closet. WHOOPS! Marbles! He is unexplicably stabbed all over his body by random garden tools, even though the closet seems to be full of lamps and games. Stephanie decides to use the fireplace to escape. It's all locked up somehow! I don't know how you lock up a fireplace for real, but they used a huge concrete block. Gay Safari Hunter shoots Stephanie, who falls underneath the pointless livingroom elevator. The shot knocks him back into the iron maiden, which apparently has a deadly mind of it's own and slowly kills him. Old woman man stumbles in for his death scene, while Stephanie screams as the elevator to nowhere decends at the alarmingly deathful rate of one inch every few minutes. Everyone is dead. Then everyone is not dead. The set is broken down while the cameras are still running. The three are laughing while they watch the film we all just saw, apprently very much taken with how well everyone performed and how real it all was. I'm thinking they are doing so to subliminally get us to think we've just seen a really good movie. There was, however, a costume mistake at the beginning of the film, which cost the main mechanic guy ten points. At $1000 a point, he has to write a pretty hefty check, which he then tears out and puts in his own pocket (we assume). The money will be used, they explain, to fund next year's charade. Fortunately they must have lost it, because there is no "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator Again!" This must be the outtakes section, because safari guy gets in with gas man and they go off to commit unsafe gay stuff. Stephanie roars off in a cool car like the Daytona and old woman man dons a leather coat and aviator scarf. He doesn't have an airplane, so we can only assume that he can fly. He's a superhero after all, defying the criminally insane and foiling their unspeakable atrocities. Although a great deal of what we percieve about this movie is merely assumed, we can't help but feel we're right on with how the screenwriter and director envisioned their vision. Whether you watch this through or not, we feel everyone should at least rent it and see the rich gay mechanic safari hunter moaning, babbling and roaring in the car scene. It's random genius we've not seen in any other film. © 2005 actionplant.com. all rights reserved.
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