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PYTHON
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Like so many reviews, this one began as a happy, late night stroll through Wal-Mart. I had seen Python in the 5.50 bin before, but today was special. Not only did I find Python, but now also Python 2 had gained its position among these precious disks of gold. One movie I can pass up, but with its sequel I become a helpless heap of a man. I will be reviewing this film with the help of first-time reviewer, Florida Justin. Our story opens in an airplane. Now I am no pilot, which may be why I don't understand, but for whatever reason it seems the pilot is unable to fly the plane while there is a sealed, wooden crate inside. The crate is making sounds, so he figures the best option is to have his only passenger open it up. He does. The somber-faced pilot quickly crashes anyways, and what is presumably the super python slithers away. Wait, is that… YES! The beginnings of a PLOT! Gratuitous nudity follow this scene (as it does in all films destined to fail as a last attempt to gain a few viewers) followed by sweet, wailing guitar and heavy drum beat as we watch some guy ride his bike over picnic tables. Opening credits roll, we're on our way. In this small town named Ruby, justice is enforced by a sheriff and his 2 bumbling side kicks, one of whom, Lewis, you are begging to be eaten after each excruciatingly annoying second he is on screen. The cops are on the scene of a homicide. A girl who has dated every man in town (a point which is continually beat into the ground) has been dissolved by acid. None of your average acids, but as we will find out later, GIANT SNAKE ACID! (my personal favorite) The hero of the story (who was surprisingly not Ice-T), John, has a problem riding his bike over the aforementioned picnic tables and into cop cars. John also happens to work at his deceased father's acid plant. These factors make him a favorite suspect for all the recent acid baths that are popping up one after another. After a brief chase by the sheriff, he and John become friends and slide down the tube slide together. It doesn't take long for the local law enforcement to lose interest in John and accept that something bigger and snakier is at work. Specialists are flown in to assist in the situation. The cops put up road blocks at all major highways into the town, hoping to God that the snake can only travel on roads. The group of would-be snake hunters choose a base in the multi-function water treatment plant/ammunitions room/nuclear fall out shelter. Not a bad combo. The reinforcements take a random guess as to where the giant snake might be, and then without actually looking, begin unloading all they've got on that spot over a hill, bazookas and all. Much ammunition would have been saved if they had actually looked to see if there was a giant snake, because there wasn't. It would have been a futile attack regardless, as the leading scientist guy already made it clear that this python has impenetrable scales. Although the snake seems to be able to outsmart this team of scientists and snake hunters who have flown in, not to mention surviving a plane crash from 20,000 feet, it is later easily thwarted by a girl with a rubber duck in her bathroom. Cops continue to sit and wait patiently on the highways. It was around this point in the movie where we begin to see a lot more of the snake. With this also came the realization that either the snake would grow and shrink at random intervals, or the producer couldn't decide what size the snake should be. In fact, while the movie cover claims 'sixty feet of pure terror,' the leading scientist on the film, who happens to look like colonel Sanders, clearly refers to it is "a 129 foot all terrain vehicle." In a twist of non-surprising irony, the giant snake is lured into John's acid fun house. John trips while being chased, but lucky for him, the snake can't seem to figure out how to eat a person who is flat on their back. While the beast is thinking through the situation, it is unaware that its midsection is directly over a vat of Johns favorite batch of acid. With that, someone pulls a lever, a metal wall comes sliding down onto the Python, forcing it into the acid. It screams a prehistoric scream and we watch the belly open and innards come pouring out like a batch of mom's vegetable soup gone bad. In the end, John (who does most of the work) goes unappreciated for his efforts, while his good friend who just sort of tagged along gets commended and given a high ranking job as a government agent. Thus, we learn an important lesson about life here. No matter how hard the little guy works, his jerk blond-hair friend will ALWAYS reap the benefits. © 2005 actionplant.com. all rights reserved.
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