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THE ICE PIRATES
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It has been years since the galactic wars. The galaxy was left scortched and dry. There is no water left anywhere……except on Mythra. And what does history tell us happens when there is a galactic battle leaving the galaxy waterless? You have just set the ideal conditions for ICE PIRATES! The Ice Pirates are a rogue group that flies around and, one would suppose, looks for water. WRONG! These Ice Pirates seem to have no interest in ice; they want a princess! So off go the leather clad team (fully equipped with a testosterone pumping woman who wears football padding and chicken wire) and the latest in deadly robots, built by their very own African-American genius! It seems that in these movies, the black guy has two options. He will either die in the first 6 minutes, or is the only competent crew member and winds up saving the day. Back to the princess. The whole scene of trying to kidnap her for whatever reason is made confusing by not knowing whether the pirates have escaped, or are still trapped. It never is made very clear. What I DO know is that after some battle sequences, a few failed attempts to make the robots do something funny, and a crew member getting his hand cut off, the Ice Pirates get away. As with nearly all science fiction movies like this that never saw groups of more than two viewers at a time, there are the inevitable Star Wars rip offs as desperate attempts to make the movie ‘cool,’ or attractive to ‘the kids.’ First we have a short, squatty security robot on the princess’ ship who was made to make the same sounds as R2, except they had to make do with the sound of television static and the sounds from Atari’s ‘Missile Command.’ Second, the princess is obviously modeled after Leia. She is a strong willed woman who wears the same white gown, but no bra. WAIT! The Ice Pirates were just captured! Now the film gets exciting. The men are sent off to a factory that turns people into mindless servants who wear standard-issue white spandex. They are layed on a conveyer belt where they are to be lobotomized, and get this, castrated! But before the metal teeth clamp down to remove their manhood, the princess is there to save them! The ploy is to act like they were turned into the intended mindless drones at which point they are bought as slaves. They are taken to their masters house. Then, more robots, and more fighting; they escape again. This time they shuttle off to see their buddy on a desert planet, where he sits and plays life size whack-a-mole with a sling shot! They are chased away by bad guys on a grown-up version of the Big Wheel. Oh, and at some point they go to the water planet. They don’t get any water, but they do leave with the head of its world leader. Don’t worry, he never had a body to start with, and is fully coherent. We finally reach the fairly creative yet hilarious climax. You see, they have to travel through a time warp, and every second in a time warp equals a day in normal time. A battle of robots and humans rages in the ship, and as time passes, the women's hair grows out to their ankles, and the men’s beards grow a remarkable foot per minute! At the end of it all, the black guy has a RIDICULOUS afro literally twice the size of his torso! The captain of the Ice Pirates had some ‘pre-marital relations’ with the princess. But when they took the time warp, in only a matter of minutes, the princess gave birth, the baby grew up, and saved them all when they had aged too much to fight any more! What a rush! They come out the other side of the warp, and everyone goes back to normal. The child who saved the day no longer exists, and everyone is back the way they were. I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening, or why it was through most of the movie, but when you see the black guy with his mountain of an afro, everything makes sense. © 2005 actionplant.com. all rights reserved.
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