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LASER MISSION
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With a title like 'Laser Mission' and a star who happens to be the offspring of Bruce Lee, this film was an instant must-have from the deliciously priced $4.95 bin at the grocery store. In our experience, your best bet for some crappy movies is right in your local supermarket. This little tressure was nuzzled between The Trial of the Incredible Hulk, and Rage of the Masters, a film starring Jimmy Wang Yu that only exists because he is a member of the Triads and no one dared tell him it sucks because they would end up dead within the hour. This script was written in such a way that we never really know if something was intended as a one liner, or normal script. The dry acting didn't offer the script much help, and I have had better quality film from my old VHS campcorder. Lets not judge by these things though! We open up with a bunch of suits at the unveiling of the worlds largest diamond, 526 K's of greed fueling sparkle rock. Time to celebrate how big the diamond is with a bottle of champaign! BUT THERE WILL BE NO CELEBRATION, the champaign bottle explodes and rapidly fills the room with black smoke. Either everyone dies, or they turn on a vent and carry on. Both options are left wide open. Our hero for these 90 minutes is Michael Gold, who removes his glasses whenever he wants to really drive a point home. He has travelled to Cuba to visit an old man he has never met. Astoundingly, that kind of behavior is NOT tolerated in Cuba, so Mikey is thrown in jail where they are going to chop off his noggin with a guillatine, while the old man is taken by the government to build them some kind of laser. That point is really never expanded on. Really the only line that gives us any idea why this "laser" merits its own "mission" is when someone mentions shooting a plane out of the sky. For the most part, the movie is not concerned with what seems to be the plot. Our hero escapes the jail quickly, either because it wasn't locked, or he had a battering ram or something, I don't quite recall. What I DO know is that he flew back to America for a quick conference with his higher ups who offer him a million dollars and to 'keep up the good work, buddy.' His child-like need for encouragement is soon fulfilled and he heads back to Cuba a few minutes later, this time sky diving down to infiltrate a military camp dressed as one of them. Many slaps our exchanged among the group, and he is in. I found it interesting to note that this film could not even afford REAL foreign people. Even the 'Cubans' had terrible accents, and the only Spanish they ever spoke was 'uno, dose, tres, and carumba.' Happy with his sneaky drop & infiltrate plan, Mikey G rewards himself by finding the old mans daughter, Alyssa, and taking her out to eat. Turns out he can't stand her, that is until she kills a guy. Then he thinks she is hot. LOOK OUT! A car chase scene! Who doesn't love a good car chase? There are a couple in this film, but unfortunatly Cubans can't speak their own language, much less drive. WIthout much effort from the heros, one car in pursuit crashes into a 2 foot long table of fruit and bursts into flames. A couple others accidentally drive into the ocean. Now they are on their way to Namibia. Wait. Thats the kalihari desert. It seems at this point, they are not in Cuba after all but in Africa. We learn as the minutes drag by like a soggy pillow that its just that the African military is full of every nationallity but their own, Cuban, Russian, and a couple others I was not sure what the accents were supposed to be. During the trip through the desert, sparks fly as our main characters occasionally stare blankly at each other. Along the way, they encounter a man with a camel, who runs away, then a man with a horse, who they kill. Neither is explained. No explination is needed. I couldn't help but notice that after the duo had to make their journey on foot, Alyssa had her high heels on through most of the desert, and when she did take them off after a few hundred miles, she decided to keep carrying them. Finally, they arrive at a hotel. It is about here that I zoned out for a while, remembering that the Hulk was due to come out in theaters the very next day, but as I came back to the movie, it seems Alyssa has been captured. Our hero Gold is hot on the trail! but wait............ A NINJA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now for all practical purposes the film should have ended here. You just don't get past a ninja, much less see them before you are dead. I am thinking this is actually just the main security guards kid, who he lets prance around in black, while the other guards mutter about 'that spoiled brat, I don't get a headband!' under their breath. Mike makes short work of the ninja child, snapping his back. Oops, Alyssa is no longer there, but the old man is! So its back to the desert as the search continues. I should mention there are more chase scenes here and there, but they are all done in such a way that I cannot tell who is being chased. Anyhoo, they find Alyssa at a mining facility where a guard is seeing how many diamonds he can toss into her cleavage. And before you know it, the tables have turned. Mike & Alyssa kill everyone in the facility, with a little help from the old man and the Cuban soldiers. And could it be? Yes, I believe it is, a plot twist! The old man does not recognize Alyssa as his daughter. Spill the beans, liar girl! She admits she was actually sent to watch Mikes back. Two men chase a helicopter, and everyone laughs. Then they kill a Russian soldier for the 3rd time, but kills him good this time. Mike tosses the giant diamond in the air with a half smile/half grimace. Freeze frame. Roll credits. © 2005 actionplant.com. all rights reserved.
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