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DESTINATION: INNER SPACE
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I was thrilled to finally see the film that was the inspiration for Cartoon Network's Sealab: 2021. I was even more thrilled to discover that the movie is almost as bad as the TV show, although something about live-action lends credibility to the story. And for what it's worth, I couldn't stop watching. It was crap, but it was some dang entertaining, interesting crap. The film opens with two guys in a small navy dingy racing across the water with the camera helicopter swooping around for like five minutes while the credits flashed by. The two navy officers finally have enough of this crap and approach a giant science ship with a huge "TWO BROTHERS" sign on the side. The sign is never explained. The crew on board the ship radios Sealab quite a bit. The sign on the wall says "bio sphere" or "aqua sphere" or something like that with a diagram of Sealab. Only thing is, Sealab is shaped like a cross. There's no "sphere" about it. Nobody seems to care. During the film we see several of the props highlighted in the cartoon as well as all the characters 2021 is based on. And everyone wears grey or pastel scuba suits when diving. Everyone, that is, except for the token Audrey Hepburn look-alike. She wears a black and white checkered outfit. It doesn't really fit, but I'll be damned if it isn't cute. Since the Commander coming on board is new, Ho Lee the cook wants to make a special dinner, and asks the Commander what he'd like. The Commander tells Ho Lee to simply use his own discretion. Ho Lee decides to make pork chops...or steak, and begins describing the admittedly delicious-sounding dinner. But he's interrupted! HECK NO! The Commander doesn't want that crap...he wants seafood! Ho Lee is distressed...but...but...where is he supposed to find fish? On Sealab?! Yes, I'm serious. Groan city. Also, the other main character on Sealab is a naval officer named Maddox. They beat the name into us every chance they get. Granted, Maddox is a cool name, but I'm only barely exaggerating in telling you that they said the name every five minutes. Everyone else is "hey you," and occassionally, "doctor," or, "commander." But Maddox is Maddox, and on Sealab they sure love saying his name. On with the plot! There's some huge ass alien ship swimming around. The Sealab crew finds it threatening, even though it travels far away and then parks itself in a deep trench for the rest of the film. No matter, it's time to go explore. We see the crew preparing to go on a dive, and then are treated to several shots of the threatening ship. Now even though the ship was obviously a miniature I can accept that it's supposed to be big. "That thing must be fifty feet in diameter!" has to be said for our benefit though, because otherwise it would be impossible to tell. Once I'd accepted that the ship was fifty feet wide, I was shocked as hell to watch what had to be a fourty-foot minnow swim past it. I don't know where they grow them that big, but who cares. See the critter by that fifty foot ship? That's one big bitch minnow. Once the crew is inside the ship the camera zooms in on a red police strobe mounted to the ceiling. They could have done better...picking something a little more alien looking, but that wouldn't have been as funny. We zoom in fast on the strobe and listen to Maddox try as convincingly as he can to exclaim, "This crap looks extra-terrestrial!" The Commander immediately responds, announcing, "It's a completely automated alien probe ship." Considering they've barely been on board the thing for two seconds, you have to love the Commander's confidence. It doesn't get any manlier than that. The creature that inevitably hatches from the egg our stupid crew brings back to Sealab (the film just wouldn't have been as good otherwise) is much better than the Naked Space alien, and certainly a far cry from the cyborgs in Terror Beneath the Sea. It looks like something straight out of a Power Rangers flick, and fights about like one too. The only problem is that it suffers from the same malady as the snake in Python: he keeps changing in size. Doesn't matter. Being from another planet, it's obviously infinitely smarter than us. It came to earth to escape a plague, which briefly spreads to the crew of Sealab. I say briefly because only one person catches the disease. The doctor spends five seconds looking through a microscope and magically produces a syringe full of the serum that will safely innoculate the rest of the crew. I'm starting to think maybe the monster isn't all that smart after all. After several ridiculous struggles, Maddox, the Commander, and the checker girl take dynamite to the ship to ensure that all the other eggs are destroyed. Considering the ensuing explosion was the climax of the film you'd expect something big, but really the destruction was little more than a friendly *poof*. Back at sealab we're treated to some half-hearted speeches about the environment, there's a kiss, and then the credits roll. Nobody seems to care whatsoever that Maddox, the hero of the day, is dead. Now that's true Sealab style. © 2005 actionplant.com. all rights reserved.
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