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CARNOSAUR
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To date, I belive this is the most disinteresting flick yet. The cover sure makes it look like a fun B movie, but decietful covers are often the only way to draw poor unsuspecting civilians to actually pay for 90 minutes of brainless gory puppetry. We open with chickens. Lots and lots of chickens. Superimposed over approximately eight minutes of chicken footage are little text blocks that show different animals the chicken genes were combined with. Throughout the rest of this film, that ornery little box makes appearences about every ten minutes with different numbers and percentages that keep changing, but there is never any correlation between the obtrusive text and the plot. Before long, we see that some of the chickens have exploded. Why? Becuase they laid eggs twice as big as their own body mass, fool! Why are they so big? Because they are dinosaur eggs of course! Honestly people, use a little common sense. But it doesn't stop with chickens birthing these extinct prehistoric beasts, no sir, human females somehow begin to lay dinosaur eggs as well! They don't explode so much, but it kills them none the less. The dinosaurs grow big and eat some tree huggers who are trying to prevent the destruction of a forest or something. These enviromentalists had other problems to worry about before being attacked by dinosaurs. It seems their skin was gradually decaying into some kind of gelitan because as the dinosaur tears them off, their limbs are easily detatched stretching the skin into an elasticy goo. Nothing is too certain, and characters are easily forgotten after every scene. What is certain is that behind the chicken-dinos is some former military bio chemist who believes the world belongs to the dinosaurs, and that humans are merely destroying it. She feels that by creating vicious carnivores, the world will be run by peaceful reptile giants in 100 years. It may not make sense to YOU, but to the mad scientist its as obvoius as the fact that these dinos were operated with hands up their butts. Now, some segment of our government figures out how to deal with this sickness that is spreading from those who come in contact with the deadly puppets. Shoot them. But not just shoot them once, rather blast them as many times as is possible before they hit the ground. Then just to be safe, they torch them. So that takes care of those infected with the mystery disease that makes females birth large dinosaur eggs, but what to do about the beasts themselves? Our hero in the black leather coat knows! Dinosaurs can only be defeated with.........CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES! Not just any vehicle used in construction; apparently only one will work. The man runs past the gigantic front loaders that easily rival the size of the dinosaurs, and goes straight for the little bobcats. After an excruciatingly drawn out sequence that flips between the dinosaur's bloody teeth and the bobcat driving back and forth, he finally gores the beast. The evil scientist lady rips apart her own stomach to let her dino child enter the world via Caesarian section, and dies. What happens to the dino? We never know. Not even in Carnasaur 2 do we find out. Ah, Carnisaur 2, now there's a movie to be reviewed.... © 2005 actionplant.com. all rights reserved.
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