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THE TIME BANDITS
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This is, bar none, the single greatest B-movie I have ever seen, even rivaling most of today’s Hollywood flicks. Indeed, if B-movies were a civilization, Time Bandits would be its God. This jewel of cinematography, though sitting humble and unnoticed by most, has all the elements that make a movie great: Time Bandits had me right from the beginning. First, the main character, an 11 year old British boy, is downstairs where his parents send him off to bed so that they can watch a game show called "Your money, or your life." Before long, the boy finds out that there is a portal through time in his closet. A group of midgets outfitted in various ‘Water World’ style clothing rush out of it and grab the boy. There is a bit of a struggle, but the midgets need to leave, they are, after all, on a schedule. They take a portal that leads out of the boy's house (and century) by pushing one of his walls for about 100 feet. The sequence is made even more interesting when a giant face shows up behind them and chases them until they jump through the portal. Who is this mysterious face? In time we learn it is the Supreme Being, a.k.a. God. Why is God’s face chasing midgets? Because, they stole his map of time, which enables them to know where all the portals are, and where they lead. They use the map for skipping around time and stealing things. God is not the only one who wants the map, but who wouldn’t? In this case, there is also the ‘evil’ who is after it. The evil one is shacked up in some cave and cannot leave. He spends his time watching the progress of the midgets in his magical bird bath, and punishing his evil cohorts either by blowing them up or turning them into farm animals. Anyway, this group of vertically challenged rag tag thieves journey through different times and historical events, from Napoleon, to Robin Hood, to some king played by Sean Connery, and then some beast creature with a bad back who lives on top of the head of a giant that lives in the ocean! The fun never ends! As everything draws to a close, we get to watch perhaps the most ingenious battle ever concieved. The evil guy gets the map and captures the boy, and right before he kills him, the midgets show up to save the day! Each one went to a different point in history and brought back an army from that time. A tank from WWII, a bunch of knights from the middle ages, a group of rowdy cowboys, and even a laser wielding vehicle from the future. Sadly, not even the these armies can stand against pure evil, and they are all defeated. What more can be done? Who can stand against this ultimate evil??!! God, of course! God steps in wearing a gray leisure suit and saves the day, which He very well could have done from the beginning, but explains to the group that it was all part of His ultimate plan. The ultimate evil is left as nothing more than a smoldering lump of charcoal. Finally, we come to the closing scene. My personal favorite. This scene is the king of abrubt endings that renders you a drooling, confused mess. The kind of scene that is followed briefly by dead silence, but soon accompanied by wild applause for the sheer ridiculousness of it all. Prepare yourself, here comes the ultimate spoiler. The boy is returned home where he wakes up because his house ison fire. Firefighters take him outside with his waiting parents. It is found that the source of the fire was the toaster oven. When the fireman opens it to look inside, there lies a chunk of the pure, concentrated evil. The last thing we see is the boy screaming "mom, dad, NO! don’t touch it, its evil!" and his parents reaching in, and then, they explode. Nothing left but smoldering shoes. The fire fighters don’t seem to notice as they drive into the sunset and the newly orphaned boy is left standing there looking at the remains of his family. THE END! Ladies and gentlemen, it doesn’t get better than this. © 2005 actionplant.com. all rights reserved.
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