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ABRAXAS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE
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Now the thing that caught my attention about this particular discount DVD, was that when I picked it up, the cover looked cool enough, but as I turned it over to see some screen shots, all that was there was a Jesse Venturas picture from when he was governor. Seeing as how this film was made like 20 years previous to that, I chuckled. Then screamed. Then I bought it. The biggest problem in reviewing this film is that the sound was TERRIBLE. The entire thing sounds like they forgot to remove the wool cover off of the boom mic, and then some kid turned the volume up and down on it as fast as he could, the whole way through. I guess that gives me the legal right to make up whatever I want for this review.................but did I????? Way off in the future, what you might call the 'special task' force are actually called 'Finders.' Apparently the director changed the title of the film, as Abraxas: Finder was not intense enough for them. Also, they are not human, and therefore do not understand human behavior, resulting in what may have been intended as humorus interactions. So there are 2 finders who patrol the entire universe. Above them is the galactic council. It may sound magestic, but it is really just two guys in a dark video editing room out in space who yell at each other a lot over which finder to send out. For all that technology in the future, they sure are not very organized. Like a million B movies before it, this one disproves evolution with its theme of 'order to chaos,' and not the reverse. The two 'finders' are Abraxus (Ventura) and Secundus (other guy). Both are sent to earth. They travel through worm holes, but those make Abraxas scream. Anyways, we really don't know why they went there in the first place, but we know what happens when they get there. Secundus wants to have ultimate power. So, as would seem the logical procedure, he kidnaps a girl out of her car with the license plate 986-ICE, ties her up, and impregnates her, not traditionally, but with a glowing hand to her stomach. The eleven thousand year old Abraxas seems to know whats going on and chases down the power mongrul, but gets thrown off a cliff. After 1,100 centuries he still just hasn't learned it doesn't work like that! The impregnated girl gives birth within minutes, and there are then some scenes of her running around in the snow while they play sleazy saxaphone music. In fact, there are several scenes of people running that somehow merited more sleazy saxaphone music. Then, just like that, we have skipped ahead about 8 years. The child is now a strapping young lad, but has never spoken one word. He is picked on by the kids at school, which is sad. BUT WAIT! NOT SAD! The mute alien child may not have words, but he has mad mind control! Just by looking at a bully with the mullet, he makes him wet his pants! Soon after, he is attacked again, but the soggy bottom attacker is thrown backwards through a bathroom stall door by Tommys (alien kid) mind. During all these years, we don't really know where Abraxas and sweet pants have been, but this is the point where they choose to show up again. The mother & child live in an unsuspecting small town, where a point is driven to the ground hard as literally EVERYONE there has a line that says 'But this is Thornbury, nothing EVER happens here.' At some point, it became vaguely clear that Sceundus impregneted that girl because the child would be born knowing some equastion that would make him all powerful. This being the movies second practical message, knowledge of math will only bring disgruntled space police down to destroy the world. Oh yeah, I should point out both finders are equipped with computer chips in their arms that are cleverly titled with the futuristic sounding name, 'answer box.' The answer box is just that: it answers all their questions about human behavior, and occasionally offers its opinion of a situation. Now Secundus isn't the brighest gundark in the otolaryngologist clinic. He searches for the mother and child in a strip club. Tommy runs away. Secundus kills some people and eats breakfast. Then Abraxus finds Tommy. Sweet pants wises up and decides to look for the child at the town school, and threatens to kill one child every 30 seconds if he doesn't get his equasion. Tommy can't let that happens, and gives himself up, and just as Secundus is about to take him, Ventura who still had some hair tackles his foe down! Everyone ends up in some warehouse. A slow motion fist fight ensues, while Tommy blows things up with his mind, good job Tommy! The fight continues and Abraxus is hit repeatedly in the family jewels, but then he makes Secundus head explode. Time to go home. But Abraxy no wanna go back home! He loves the child and mother! The answer box voices its desire to stay too. Will the council allow him to stay on the blue planet? The answer is an anticlimactic yes. To summerize, this movie is merely a stepping stone in the line of Jesse Venturas failed attmepts to do something right. Jesse the Body, Jesse the mind, Jesse the Finder....I have higher hopes for his next career move, Jesse the gas attendant. © 2005 actionplant.com. all rights reserved.
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